Gender Pronouns

A pronoun is a word that is used instead of a noun or a noun phrase to refer to individuals. Pronouns can be in the first person singular (I, me) or plural (we, us); second person singular or plural (you); and the third person singular (e.g. she/her, he/him, they/them, ze/hir) or plural (they/them).

Gendered pronouns specifically reference someone's gender: he/him/his or she/her/hers.

Non-gendered or nonbinary pronouns are not gender specific and are often used by people who identify outside of a gender binary. The most common set of nonbinary pronouns is they/them/their used in the singular (e.g. Jadzia identifies as genderqueer; they do not see themselves as either female or male.) Other nonbinary pronouns include ze (prounounced "zee") in place of she/he, and hir (pronounced "here") in place of his/him/her (e.g. Jadzia runs hir own business, but ze is more well-known an an author).

It's okay! Everyone slips up from time to time, even those of us who do do this for a living. The best thing to do if you use the wrong pronoun for someone is to say something right away, like "Sorry, I meant she." If you realize your mistake after the fact, apologize in private and move on.

A lot of the time it can be tempting to go on and on about how bad you feel that you messed up or how hard it is for you to get it right. But please, don't! It is inappropriate and can make the person who was mis-gendered feel awkward and responsible for comforting you, which is not their job. It is your job to remember people's personal gender pronouns (PGPs). Take an active role in your education.

In your classes, you may hear one of your students using the wrong pronoun for someone. In most cases, it is appropriate to gently correct them without further embarrassing the individual was has been mis-gendered. This means saying something like "Actually Xena uses the pronoun she or they," and then moving on. If other students or faculty are consistently using the wrong pronouns for someone, do not ignore it! It is important to let your student or classmate know that you are their ally.

It may also be appropriate to approach them and say something like, "I noticed that you were getting referred to with the wrong pronouns earlier, and I know that can be hurtful. Would you be okay with me taking them aside and reminding them about your personal pronouns? I want to make sure that this group/class is a safe space for you." Follow up if necessary, but take your cues from the comfort level of your student or classmate. Know that your actions will be appreciated.

In most cases, you may gently correct the person who made the mistake without further embarassing the individual who was misgendered. You can say something like, "Actually, Jadzia use 'they' for themselves."

Keep it simple. Try asking, "What pronouns do you use?" or "Can you remind me what pronouns you use?" It can feel awkward at first, but it's not half as awkward as getting it wrong or making a hurtful assumption.

You can also ask as part of an introduction exercise. You will quickly want to explain what a PGP is. Try something like this: "Tell us your name, where you come from, and your personal pronoun. That means the pronoun that you use in reference to yourself. For example, I'm Sarah, I'm from Minneapolis, and I like to be referred to with they, them, and their pronouns. So you could say, 'they went to their car' if you were talking about me."

Identity development is a fluid process. Individuals may still be getting comfortable with their own gender identity and expression. Make sure to let your students or classmates know that if they would prefer to use different pronouns in the future to communicate that with you and that you will respect their wishes.

You can't always know what someone's PGPs are by looking at them. Asking and correctly using someone's personal pronouns is one of the most basic ways to show your respect for their gender identity.

When someone is referred to with the wrong pronoun, it can make them feel disrespected, invalidated, dismissed, alienated, or dysphoric. Often it can make them feel all of the above.

It is a privilege to be cisgender and not have to worry about which pronoun someone is going to use for your based on how they perceive your gender. If you have this privilege, yet fail to respect someone else's gender identity, it is not only disrespectful and hurtful, but also oppressive.

(Cisgender or cis-gender: Noting or relating to person whose gender identity corresponds with that person's biological sex assigned at birth. Definition from Dictionary.com)

She/her/hers and he/him/his are the most commonly used pronouns. Some people call these "female/feminine" and "male/masculine" pronouns. Many avoid these labels because, for example, not everyone who uses he feels like a "male" or "masculine". The downloadable list above is much more comprehensive and will guide you on the appropriate use of each type of pronoun.

There are lot of other gender neutral/gender inclusive pronouns in use. Here are a few that you might hear:

• They/them/theirs - This is a pretty common gender neutral pronoun. Yes, it can in fact be used in the singular. For example: Xena ate their food because they were hungry.
• Ze/hir/hirs - Ze is pronounced like "zee". It can also be spelled zie or xe. It replaces she/he/they. Hir is pronounced like "here" and replaces her/hers/him/his/they/theirs. For example: Xena ate hir food because ze was hungry.
• Just my name please! Some people prefer not to use pronouns at all, utilizing their name as a pronoun instead. For example: Xena ate Xena's food because Xena was hungry.

Never, ever refer to a person as "it" or "he-she" (unless they specifically ask you to.) These are offensive slurs used against trans and gender-nonconforming individuals. Some individuals will reclaim these words for themselves as a form of empowerment. Do not reclaim these words for them.

1. Reading children's books is a great way to practice. You can choose one character, or multiple characters,  and use they/them pronouns for them. It's also a great way to familiarize children with the idea of gender neutral pronouns.
2. mypronouns.org
3. practicewithpronouns.com
4. minus18.org.au - Interactive way to practice using new pronouns